Wednesday, March 4, 2009

2:18 am

It is 2:18 am and all I want to do right now is cry. I feel like our family's future is on the brink of change and it is so difficult sitting here waiting for it to happen. My husband is not the man he usually is, destroyed by unemployment and the mind games that can play. I am starting a new business in Arbonne to rescue us from the brink and I'm not 100% sure 100% of the time that it is going to work.

I feel like some of the friendships I've treasured most in the last year are failing and disappearing right in the midst of all of our struggling.

Josh may be offered a job tomorrow. It is no job he wants really but as a means to support our family and keep us afloat, he will do what it takes. And yet, I see only sadness, disappointment, depression in his eyes. He tells me these things...very rarely and pretty much no one else. He's beginning to let others in but I'm afraid he'll wait too long and the pain will be too much for him to bear. I have loads of personal experience with depression and I've never wanted him to have to struggle with it. He is my big, strong man. The one who saved me. Now, in his time of need I don't know if I have the strength to save him back.

On top of it all, our marriage is on shaky ground. When things like this happen, communication starts to break down. Negative thoughts and emotions take over and we begin to feed each other poison emotionally. We are coming out of that negative place and back to a place of support and communication. It is taking time. The thing I feel the worst about in all this is how it has affected Ethan. He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve parents who barely speak and when we do it is negative. He doesn't deserve to play most of the day by himself because we are both trying so hard to be numb, not to explode or cry.

That is a huge reason we put him into a part-time daycare/pre-school program. He deserves attention, positive energy, happiness, joy, fun, full-fillment. We are not giving you these things, Bug. I'm so sorry. Our tanks are running on fumes right now. We have so little to give. I'm so sorry Ethan. I love you so much and only want the best for you. We will get through this and be a stronger family for it but I wish I could undo any sadness this has caused you. I only hope you are young enough you don't remember our home feeling void of love. I would give anything to make sure you don't remember that. I will give my all to ensure that from today forward, I am making you and Daddy feel just how much I love you both.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...


Hang in there honey. We all have bad times. You probably know this but communication is the key to getting through this. Have you tried sending each other emails to start the communication again? I am thinking about you and your family...sorry that I fell distant but I am not sure what to do or say most of the time, but I do understand that it is tough on you entire family.

Love Ya,